Porn vs Reality

May 20, 2013 Maxxters Advice, Opinion

By Maxxters

Porn is great. I fucking LOVE porn. It helps me orgasm easily when I’m on my own, it’s a fun thing to add in when being sexual with other people, and it gives me new ideas for positions or activities to try. But there’s no doubt that porn has its downsides. Yes, some people can get addicted to it, but I’m not going to cover that aspect of it. However, if you’re finding that your porn viewing is negatively affecting your life, then it’s time to get help. What I’m focusing on here is how porn often differs from reality. This isn’t all that big an issue for those of us who are sexually experienced and educated. But for the teens that grow up watching this stuff and never actually learn that this isn’t the way that sex usually is in real life, it can be a pretty huge issue. It can lead to them feeling dysfunctional, not being a good sexual partner, worrying that there are things wrong with their body or that their partner isn’t any good at sex. It can also create way too high expectations overall.  So here are my thoughts on the differences between porn and reality.

The most obvious observation is that women in porn are incredibly sensitive to sexual stimulation. Just one touch sends them into moans, screams, body spasms and orgasm. Unfortunately, this isn’t how most women respond in real life. The average time it takes for a woman to reach orgasm with a partner is 20-30 minutes. This usually requires a variety of different fingering, oral and/or penetrative techniques. Only around 30% of women can orgasm from penetration alone. The vast majority need some form of clitoral stimulation in order to climax. Many women really struggle to be able to orgasm, especially with their partner, and oftentimes their orgasms aren’t all that ‘big’. The best thing you can do is to try not to make orgasm the goal of sex. Instead, make it your mission to figure out all the spots on one another’s bodies that can make you go wild. Play around with lots of different techniques, positions and sexual acts that you’re comfortable with. Never do anything you don’t want to do but push the boundaries that you’re comfortable with pushing. There’s also the issue that many women aren’t that vocal or active in bed as most porn stars. If you want your partner to be more vocal and take a more active role, then talk to them about it!

Another obvious feature is the way that porn stars look. Men are usually big and muscular with very large penises. The average penis size is about 5 to 5.5 inches long. Men comparing their penis size to the ones they see in porn only increases their chances of feeling insecure and self-conscious about their size. This can lead to sexual dysfunction and a dissatisfied sex life. Most women in porn are very thin, with big boobs and small inner labia. This not only creates a lot of insecurity and body confidence issues in women, but it also gives men who are interested in women unrealistic expectations. Humans come in a variety of shapes and sizes and all have their own unique beauty. So yes, most people need to be attracted to the person they’re being sexual with, but make sure you have realistic expectations and never ever make anyone feel bad or insecure about the way they look. One good thing about porn is the huge amount of variety out there. So try looking at different genres to get better ideas about what people tend to look like when they’re naked.

Porn stars engage in a huge variety of sexual acts. Many people in real life aren’t quite as sexually adventurous and aren’t okay with trying certain things. The pressure on women to have anal sex is steadily increasing. While it can be incredibly enjoyable, some women simply do not want to try it, have had bad experiences with it in the past or just don’t enjoy it at all. No one should ever be pressured into doing something they don’t want to do. So respect your partner’s boundaries and try to find compromises or other acts that you’re both happy to engage in. Another really popular thing in porn is BDSM. However, many people don’t realize just how complicated this type of play can be and how much there is to learn, especially with regards to safety before trying it. If it’s something that interests you, take the time to educate yourself about proper techniques and safety precautions before giving it a go.

Condoms are rarely used in porn. In real life, you need to glove up unless you’ve both been recently tested (and have clean bills of health), are monogamous (or at least are being extra cautious with outside partners) and are on at least some form/method of birth control (unless you’re looking to have kids). If not, you’re putting you and your partner at risk.

Porn doesn’t show the “behind the scenes” stuff. There’s a lot of awkwardness/silliness that can happen during sex. Rarely do you see them grab some lube for when the girl isn’t getting wet enough on her own. You also don’t see just how much lube is needed to have enjoyable anal sex. It’s unbelievably common for men to have issues with getting/staying hard, but rarely, if ever, will you see that in porn. Same with rapid ejaculation or even not being able to reach orgasm at all. Especially in heterosexual relationships, many women are given the impression that it should be easy for men to reach orgasm and can get really upset if it doesn’t happen. It’s really important to understand the sexual response of the people you’re sexual with! You also never see porn stars having to deal with what happens to the semen after the guy has cum. Whether he ejaculates in the vagina or ass or onto their partner’s body, it needs to be cleaned up somehow! You’ll never see them grabbing the baby wipes or towels, or running to the bathroom to avoid making a mess. Different noises and movements happen, uncontrollable facial expressions occur, the penis slips out of the vagina or ass, and other unintentional things will happen. It’s all just a part of sex.

Sex is all about having fun, feeling great, and not taking things too seriously. Communicate with your partner about your expectations and help one another out so that you can make sex as fantastic as possible. You just need to keep everything in perspective and have a good idea of the differences between porn and reality.

 

One comment

Child Sexual Behaviour Issues

May 6, 2013 Maxxters Education, Parenting

Children with Sexual Behaviour Problems
By Maxxters

I thought I’d share some information I learned from a brilliant woman who works as a social worker, dealing with children who exhibit problematic sexual behaviour. Most of the talk was based on kids that were 12 and under. Behaviours discussed included exposing themselves or forcing others to expose themselves, touching other people’s genitals with force, engaging in compulsive masturbation, and even sexually abusing others were covered. This is all in the context where these behaviours continue to happen after the child has been told to stop. These are issues that are socially unacceptable and children can be charged for these offenses once they become of age (12 here in Canada).
Girls are just as likely to have sexual behaviour issues as boys (with some studies actually showing a higher incidence in girls). With most cases, the actual causes of these behaviours are not clear at all. The one pattern involved in the vast number of cases is that of chronic neglect. The parents are never around and when they are, there is very little communication. Most of that communication is negative. About 40% of issues stem from experiencing sexual abuse. Social and developmental factors are also prevalent.
It has also been found that children who view porn this young are at a much higher risk of exhibiting deviant sexual behaviour. It’s usually an older sibling that has exposed the child to it. It causes their sexual development to be way off and it becomes even more crucial for them to learn about sexuality in a healthy way.
There is also a really common theme of anxiety. Children who have high social anxiety and do not know how to cope with their peers will often turn to sexual behaviours as a coping mechanism. Many will chronically masturbate. While masturbation is fine in the privacy of your own home, these kids can’t continue to do it at school or out in public. However, telling them to “stop doing it” leaves them with no way to deal with their anxiety. Once you take away a certain behaviour or situation, you need to replace it with another.
It’s really important to note that there is actually no direct link between child sexual behaviour problems and adolescent or adult sexual offending. The vast majority of kids just grow out of it. If they’re not treated, then the deviant sexual behaviour morphs into other forms of deviant behaviour (using drugs, stealing, vandalizing, etc). Those that are treated have a high success rate. Not only do they stop with the inappropriate sexual behaviour, but they don’t move on to offend in other ways. The majority of teens and adults who are sexual offenders never had sex-related problems as kids. Only a minority of children with these issues actually grow up to be sex offenders.
In order to overcome their sexual issues, children need support. They need to have their parents/guardians involved in their life, as well as other people in their life who care about them (friends, other family, teachers, etc.). They need to learn how to communicate effectively, develop empathy for the people that they are affecting with their actions, and become accountable for their actions (ie. it doesn’t “just happen”). Another crucial need is that of comprehensive sexual health education. You can’t just teach someone to stop engaging in certain behaviours. You need to teach them all about their behaviours in the full scope of the issue. Everything from gender issues (talking about how we determine if someone’s a boy or a girl and then challenging those views), to learning and becoming comfortable with using the proper names for sexual body parts, how old they think someone needs to be before they start dating and what “dating” at that age should consist of, what happens during puberty, how to communicate properly about sexual issues, and so on and so forth.  When you teach a child that sexuality is a part of who we are as humans and the ways in which we can embrace our sexuality in healthy ways, you are giving them lifelong tools that they desperately need. Saying things like “until you’re a teenager, the only person you can safely touch is yourself. You do this in your own bedroom or bathroom at home, alone, with the door closed. When you’re done, you wash your hands. The only time you need to tell someone about it is if something hurts or if something’s wrong. This is your special time alone and a treat just for you.” makes it a very straightforward, understandable process, with clear boundaries. Keep in mind, this is what you say when the child has been dealing with inappropriate sexual behaviour, not if they’ve only masturbated once or twice. These are the kids that either want to continue to bring up discussions on their masturbation habits, want to see others masturbate or who do it in public.
Parents need to learn how to give their children positive attention instead of only paying attention to the negative things their child does. They need to teach their kids healthy sexual boundaries, including things like personal space. Parents need to learn how to be comfortable with sexuality themselves and how to properly teach their children about sexual behaviours and health. They need to teach their kids how to identify their feelings and how to deal with them in a safe, productive way.

No comments

More Ideas for Oral

April 15, 2013 Maxxters Advice, How To

If you’ve already mastered our other tips for oral, then here are some new ideas to try! And as always, please remember that everyone is different. These are recommendations of things to try; it’s not a guarantee they’ll work on your specific partner. Make sure you communicate with your partner about what does and does not work as well as what they are and aren’t comfortable with trying.

Seminar run by Good for Her (www.goodforher.com)

Added information by Maxxters

 Oral Sex is…

  • NOT foreplay (it is considered to be “sex” by many, and it doesn’t always have to lead to vaginal or anal sex)
  • Something we can’t (usually) do to ourselves so it’s a great gift to a partner
  • Great both ways but not necessarily at the same time. While some people love it, for others 69 isn’t the greatest position since you can’t fully enjoy the stimulation being done to you while you’re being distracted by what you’re doing to your partner
  • Even better with lubricant
  • Not just for your mouth- add more! (hands, toys, etc.)

Safer Sex

  • Giving blow jobs is risky for chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis and HPV/throat cancer
  • Muff diving is risky for chlamydia and HPV/throat cancer. Higher for gonorrhea, herpes and syphilis.
  • Herpes is risky for both the giver and receiver of any gender
  • Do not brush your teeth and/or floss for a couple hours prior to giving oral sex (it makes infection more likely due to cuts/micro-tears)
  • Use a flavoured condom or dental dam for safer oral sex

Equal Opportunity Techniques (use on any gender)

  • Humming/moaning (your partner can feel the vibrations)
  • Blowing- hot or cold
  • Ice cream cone licks (long, slow, smooth strokes)
  • Lust Oil and other products can help make it taste better

Keys to Muff Diving

  • SLOW DOWN. If you think you’re going slow, go even slower – no need to try to mimic a vibrator
  • Find what works and stick with it
  • Patience. Enjoy the ride!
  • Enjoy yourself and make sure that your partner knows it. Tell them: “There is NO rush. I LOVE how you taste. I could stay here ALL day” (it will allow the receiver to relax and not get worried about the fact that you’ve been down there for 20 minutes). Remember… the average female-bodied individual takes 20-30 minutes of stimulation to reach orgasm.

Tips on Pleasuring Clits/Vulvas

  • DON’T stop or change things (once you find the right spot)
  • DON’T go directly to the clitoris
  • 2 steps forward, 1 step back in the transition from kissing to oral (eg. Lips to neck to breasts, back to neck to breasts to inner thighs then back to breasts to inner thighs to labia, etc)
  • Add your hands and other toys
  • Get comfortable so you can spend a longer time doing it

Techniques on Clits and Vulvas

  • Pull apart the labia and blow around the vulva
  • Lick between the labia
  • Squeeze and Tease (squeeze the outer labia together at the very top and gently pull up and down as your tongue stays on the clitoral hood without you moving your head/mouth)
  • Roll your tongue inwards and place it over the clit (push in and out)
  • Dip your tongue into and around the vaginal opening
  • Take 10 seconds to lick from the bottom of the inner labia all the way up to the clit. Another 10 to go back down the other side.
  • Do excruciatingly slow figure 8s, down around the vagina, and up and around the clit.
  • G-spotting: Use 2 fingers (NOT 1) to do the “come hither”/pulling motion inside her
  • Slow and gentle movements on the clitoris. From there, get the receiver to tell you when/if to speed up and/or use more pressure

While you’re at it…

  • Use toys (especially on the g-spot while you work the clit)
  • Remember the other erogenous zones! Anus, butt, boobs, neck, inner thighs, pubic mound, etc
  • If they’re on their period and you’re not comfortable with the blood, use a sex sponge! You’ll never even know they’re on their period (and you can also have sex with them in)

Positions for Muff Diving

  • The receiver takes a seat (on the edge of the bed or in a chair) and you kneel down in front of them
  • You both lie on your sides facing each other and you slide down to eat them out
  • The receiver lies on their back with a pillow under their bum. Hold their knees into their chest. This puts your neck at an angle so that it won’t get sore.
  • 69 position but the receiver isn’t pleasuring you at the same time (on your sides or one of you on top)
  • Face sitting (the receiver straddles your mouth while you’re lying down)

Keys to Giving Great Blow Jobs

  • ENTHUSIASM!!!!
  • Enthusiasm
  • Enthusiasm
  • Make eye contact
  • Lube!!! Especially if you’re using your hands a lot. Most people can’t get it wet enough with just their saliva
  • Use more than your mouth- use your hands, a masturbation sleeve or even those cheap Mardi Gras beaded necklaces (wrap them around your hand and stroke him with them or wrap them around his penis and move them up and down the shaft to add more friction/texture)

While you’re at it…

    • Play with their nipples
    • Pleasure their perineum, anus or prostate

Remember their other erogenous zones

Techniques for Blow Jobs

  • Make sure you’re always hitting the frenulum (with your tongue and/or hand)
  • Lick/swirl your tongue in circles around the glans (with it out of your mouth or when it’s in your mouth)
  • Move your head in the motion that a dolphin swims in
  • Pivot/turn your head side to side in motion with your hand while it’s gently twisting down and up on the shaft
  • The Harmonica: put your mouth on one side of his shaft and your hand on the other and move side to side on it (good if you don’t want to swallow- when the receiver cums, the ejaculate is nowhere near going in your mouth)
  • Testicles: cradle and move them like meditation balls or suck on them like candy (talk to your partner first… some hate ball play of any kind)
  • Use a vibrator against your cheeks so he can get that added stimulation

Positions for Giving Head

  • The receiver sits down and you kneel in front of them (put a cushion under your knees)
  • The receiver stands up and you kneel in front of them
  • On your back with your head hanging over the edge of the bed while the receiver stands up in front of you (great for deepthroating)
  • The receiver on their back, you between their legs
  • Modified 69: instead of straddling the receiver, both your knees are over to one side. You can be facing their face or their feet (also good for deepthroating)
No comments

Ask Mistress Maxxters: Shaving

April 8, 2013 Maxxters Advice, Ask Mistress Maxxters
Ask Mistress Maxxters: Shaving
Maxxters
Hi Maxxters, not sure if you can help me with this one or if it’s too off-topic. My girlfriend likes me to be shaved. I also prefer it since I think it makes me look bigger and better. The problem? I always get ingrown hairs! No matter what I try, I can’t get a shave where I don’t get razor burn and all that. Also, the hair grows about halfway down my shaft and that’s where it tends to be the worst. Any help?

Hey there. Of course I can (try to) help and it definitely still applies to the topic of sexuality! It’s also an incredibly common “problem” and something that all genders experience. If you want to stick with shaving, that’s fine. But know that there are other options as well (waxing/sugaring, epilators, depilatories, or even laser). In terms of shaving, you need to start with a good blade. The longer you go without changing the blade of the razor you use, the worse the shave (and worse the razor burn/ingrown hairs). So get a good quality razor and blades that go with it. Use warm water in the shower/bath and let your skin soak in it for a while. Use something like a loofah to exfoliate the skin. Some people like to apply baby oil to the skin before the shaving cream as it can help to soften the hair and skin. Shaving cream can also help to soften them, making for a smoother shave.

Now that you’re ready to actually start shaving, go slow. Pull the skin tight, so there’s a smooth, firm surface to work on. Shave with the grain first. You want to use as few strokes as possible, so keep a firm hand. Once you’re done shaving with the grain and have as close a shave as possible, go over the area one time against the grain. This will give you the closest shave possible. Once you’re done and out of the shower, blot the area dry and apply some rubbing alcohol (to close the pores and kill bacteria). Deodorant can work well for preventing razor burn/ingrown hairs, so have a stick that you only use on your pubic area. Some people prefer spraying witch hazel or applying tea tree oil instead. There are also products you can buy that are specifically designed to help prevent ingrown hairs. Do what works best for you.When it comes to the hair on your shaft, you may actually want to pluck those. They tend to be more prone to razor burn and many men find it a pain to shave their shaft. Plucking actually doesn’t take as much time as you’d think and it’s not actually all that painful (especially after a few times).

One last thing to note: while sometimes a pain, shaving every single day is a huge help for preventing ingrown hairs, bumps/rashes, and redness. It also tends to give you by far the smoothest shave possible.

Hope that helps!

-Maxxters

Maxxters is a 30 year old female and a former high school teacher. She taught Science and Sex Ed to 12-18 year olds. She’s currently working on her Master’s degree in Human Sexuality. She is also a fitness instructor and personal trainer, working with those who suffer from eating disorders and body image issues. Send her your questions at: 

maxxters@sexpertslounge.com

No comments

Erotic Plasticity: How Female Sexuality may be shaped by Social Factors

February 11, 2013 Maxxters Uncategorized

Erotic Plasticity: How Female Sexuality may be shaped by Social Factors

By Maxxters

I read Roy Baumeister’s “Gender differences in erotic plasticity: the female sex drive as socially flexible and responsive” (2000) article just over a year ago. It has stuck with me ever since. Roy did a tremendous amount of research; reading through every relevant journal article from 1996 and back down to the very first volume of both the Journal of Sex Research and Archives of Sexual Behaviour. Additionally, he used the national Health and Social Life Survey and other sources suggested by his colleagues. What he came up with was a summary of a massive amount of data; all to support his theory about erotic plasticity. Basically, he believes that women are significantly more apt to change their sexual behaviour throughout their lives than men.  He has three main hypotheses: 1) individual women will display more variation than individual men in sexual behaviour throughout their lifespan; 2) female sexuality responds more to socio-cultural variables than male sexuality; and 3) women have less consistency between their sexual attitudes and their sexual behaviours than men. His article does include evidence against his theory, but he demonstrates why those arguments are flawed.

My ideas on this continue to change as I learn more and more about the topic. I want to give you the chance to read through the main points of the article and to form your own ideas on it. The most important thing to remember here is that he is discussing the majority of people. We know there are outliers at either end of the spectrum. But every finding here, and the theory Roy discusses, is based on how most men and women behave.

We know that biological factors, socio-cultural scripts, individual experiences, and a range of other factors (known and unknown) shape human sexuality. The main point Roy tries to make is that cultural and social factors influence female sexuality substantially more than male sexuality. He believes that female sexual behaviours and drives are better able to adapt with changing circumstances. He labels this as having high erotic plasticity. This includes changing the types of partners you have and the sexual activities you engage in, what acts you enjoy (which might be different from what you actually engage in), and your overall desire for sex. Most men, on the other hand, have low erotic plasticity. This does not include changing physical factors (like overall health and hormonal balances), as that can affect all genders equally. But once a man’s sexual tastes emerge, they’re much less likely to change than a woman’s. It’s important to note that in a follow-up article, Roy discusses how there’s evidence that men go through a phase of erotic plasticity during childhood.

Possible reasons for plasticity

  • it may be an evolutionary response to bonding with men, who are physically and socially more powerful. They can impose their desires on women, so women can protect themselves by being more plastic.
  • Most societies limit sexual activity by having women be the gatekeepers of sex. They’re the ones who are taught to refuse sexual advances. Yet if females refused all sexual advances from males, our species would die out. So women are negative to most sexual partners but will sometimes switch to positive. That switch requires at least some plasticity.
  • While politically unpopular, it’s theoretically plausible that women have lower sex drives than men. A weaker motivation for sex can be a lot easier to redirect and change. So it is easier to persuade women to accept different forms of satisfaction.

How erotic plasticity might be instilled

  • There are theories that many sexuality-based traits are carried on the X chromosome. The two X chromosomes that females have could carry different “prescriptions” for behaviour and it would then be up to the environment to establish which one is expressed.
  • Testosterone has a greater effect than any other hormones on sexual behaviour. Since men have much more testosterone, their behaviour may be controlled biologically. Environmental factors will not affect them as much as they affect women.
  • Men are better at being aware of their inner bodily states. Studies in labs and hospitals show they’re better at estimating their blood pressure, heartbeat, temperature, stomach contractions, and other factors better than women. Women rely more on social and situational cues, but men rely on physiological cues to judge their emotional and arousal responses.
  • Males have evolved to be driven stronger by genetic factors. There are theories that the Y chromosome might be a popular target of mutations. Evolution would target men for trying out new mutations due to the greater reproductive variance. So genetic factors may drive male behaviour more than females.

Evidence of Female Plasticity

Intraindividual Variability:  if women do have more erotic plasticity, then they will have more variation across each of their sexual histories than men.

  • Kinsey and his fellow researchers found that some women had significant swings in their degree of sexual activity over their lifetime. Hardly any men showed the same. Women would go through periods where they had lots of sex, then no sexual activity whatsoever for a period of time, and then return to a phase of high sexual frequency. When men were experiencing periods of low partnered sexual play, they tended to still keep their orgasm rate constant through masturbation and other activities.
  • Another study examined elderly individuals. Old men who masturbated were engaging in a pattern of masturbation that had been present in young adulthood. However, women who were masturbating in old age hadn’t done so in their 20s, and women who had masturbated in their 20’s had discontinued the activity later in life.
  • In a 20-year long study on married individuals, researchers asked about current sexual frequency and actual preferences for frequency. The wives continually felt like the frequency of sex was almost exactly the amount that they actually wanted. However, the husbands had significant gaps between what they wanted and what they were able to have. Roy stipulates that women are better able to change their expectations so that they correspond to what they’re getting.
  • Studies have shown that women change their sexual standards of being more permissive as they gain dating experience. Dating experience does not affect men in this way.
  • Multiple studies have demonstrated that lesbians are more likely to have had heterosexual sex than gay males. One study found that 80% of gay women but only 54% of gay men had previously had heterosexual intercourse. Additionally, 72% of lesbians and only 45% of gay men had experienced a meaningful heterosexual relationship.
  • The ratio of self-identified bisexuals to exclusively homosexuals is higher for women (.50) than men (.32). Bisexuality requires greater plasticity than homosexuality.
  • In a study of older adults, women who had never felt any attraction at all towards women prior to the age of 30 had begun having sex with women as well as men (in the context of swinging). Men did not.
  • Another study on unmarried individuals who participated in group sex found that 60% of women but only 12% of men engaged in homosexual activity.
  • A study on swingers found that wives had oral sex with each other 75% of the time but husbands had oral sex with each other less than 1% of the time.
  • When married couples meet up for mate swapping, the women begin having sex with each other, usually from the encouragement of the men who like to watch this. The reverse pattern is almost unheard of (ie. straight men engaging in homosexual acts in group settings, especially if done in order to entertain their wives).

Socio-cultural Factors: If women are more socio-culturally flexible, they will vary more than men from one culture to another

  • One study on 186 cultures found greater cross-cultural variation occurred among females than males on all measures of sexual behaviour.
  • Women who move to the US who are from other cultures significantly change several of their sexual behaviours and attitudes, but men do not.
  • Sex ed affects women’s age of first intercourse more than men. One study examined the proportions of people who were still virgins on their 21st birthday. Only 18% of women who had not had sex ed were still virgins, yet 43% who had received sex ed were still virgins. Yet for men, it only varied from 19% to 25%.
  • The NHSLS showed that sexual health education produced only about a 1/3 increase in the likelihood of men engaging in anal sex, yet it more than doubled the women’s likelihood. Additionally, more education was associated with less sexual dysfunction in women, but there was no significant effect for men.  On both giving and receiving oral sex, education level predicted bigger differences in women’s than men’s sexual behaviour.
  • Another study on university students enrolled in a human sexuality course found that women changed their attitudes towards greater sexual permissiveness. These changes did not occur for men.
  • Church attendance and religious belief have a stronger (negative) effect on female than male sexuality. One study found that church attendance strongly predicted not masturbating in elderly women (19% of attenders masturbated, versus 83% of non-attenders). No significant effect was found among men. Female sexuality is better able than male sexuality to conform to highly non-permissive standards in a religious context
  • Peer group approval is linked stronger in female sexual behaviour than male. In one study, 55% of the non-virgin females had peer groups who encouraged sexual activity, yet only 3% of the virgin women were associated with these groups (a 52% difference). For men the percentages were 88% versus 50% (a 38% difference).
  • In a 2-year study, women who were virgins at the start who had a non-virgin best (female) friend were six-times more likely to lose their virginity by the end of the 2 year period than virgins who had a virgin female best friend. No such effect was found in males
  • Parental and family environment has a stronger effect on daughters than on sons. For example, living with a single parent increased the likelihood of early loss of virginity for girls but not boys. Additionally, sex ed from parents predicts less sex and less promiscuity in young women but not in young men.
  • In one study, self-identified homosexuals were interviewed and it was found that 31% of the lesbians but only 18% of gay men described their sexual orientation as having been a matter of conscious, deliberate choice.
  • Another study found that lesbians felt they had more control than gay men over their sexual orientation. Additionally, lesbians were more likely to believe they could renounce their gay orientation and were less likely to view their orientation as being something beyond their personal control.
  • Studies have found that heritability of sexual orientation is significant in men but not in women. There is greater overall evidence for a genetic contribution towards male homosexuality than there is for females.

Attitude-behaviour consistency: If they have higher erotic plasticity, women will show lower attitude-behaviour consistency as compared to men, with regard to sex

  • One study examined 3 separate cultures (which ones were not detailed in the article) and found that 2/3 of women whose values were against premarital sex had engaged in premarital sex, whereas only 1/3 of men had this discrepancy.
  • Greater inconsistency exists among women in reporting favourable attitudes towards condoms and consistently using them than found among men. Women report a higher intention in using them, as well as being more afraid of STIs, but actual condom use was the same for both genders. Additionally, condoms tend to be viewed as detracting more from male than female pleasure, so theoretically, it should have been the men who were more willing to go against their pro-condom attitudes.
  • In a survey about participating in sex without desiring it, 82% of women reported having experienced this, compared to 60% of men. When examining the women who were over 25, 97% had engaged in sex when they hadn’t desired it.
  • A similar study examined participants who were in committed relationships. Half of the women, but only a quarter of men had engaged in unwanted sexual activity at least once during the last 2 weeks.
  • In studies examining sexual orientation, less than half of the women who liked the idea of same-gender sex had engaged in sex with a woman in the last year. However, 85% of men feeling this way about men had had sex with a man in the last year.
  • Another study found that 22% of lesbians had discrepancies between their homosexual feelings/desires and their homosexual behaviour, yet only 3% of gay men displayed this discrepancy. Additionally, lesbians were more likely to have tried to “go straight”, yet they also had fewer regrets than the men about their homosexuality and were less likely to wish for a “magic pill” to turn them straight.
  • Women are more likely than men to have submissive and masochistic fantasies, yet they are less likely to have actually taken part in these activities.

 

The primary question discussed in the article was whether or not the female drive for sex is more fluid and malleable than the male’s (in a socio-cultural and situational context).  The evidence outlined above demonstrates that the average woman is much more likely to change her sexual patterns over time than the average male. Socio-cultural factors (eg. education, religion, peers, etc) have stronger effects on women and there is less consistency between female’s sexual attitudes and behaviours as compared to men. Roy states that this inconsistency is most likely due to sex depending on many specific contexts, circumstances and meanings. So, for women, broad attitudes are poor predictors of behaviour.  He concludes that the balance between nature and culture is different for men and women when it comes to sexuality. Men’s sexuality is centered around physical factors, but for women, it’s the social and cultural factors that are central to their sexuality, with biological factors playing a relatively small role.

One of the main implications of this theory is that it demonstrates that sexual self-knowledge should be easier for men than women. The average male will form his sexual identity by puberty and it will remain constant, whereas women’s are constantly changing throughout their lives. Additionally, sexual decision-making is likely to be a lot more complicated for women. Social context and situation can significantly affect a woman’s desire for sexual activity, what acts she wants to engage in, who she wants to engage in them with, etc.  Men, in comparison, remain quite constant in their desires, unless biological factors come into play.

 

 

No comments

The Hymen Myth

January 21, 2013 Maxxters Education, Safe Practices

The Hymen Myth
By Maxxters

 

One of the biggest misconceptions that seems to be associated with women ‘losing their virginity’ (the vaginal penetration with something bigger than a couple of fingers) is the perception that it’s going to hurt. Yes, for some women, that’s going to be the case, no matter how well they prep for their first time. But in the majority of cases, most pain can be avoided. Sure, there may be discomfort, due to the vaginal walls stretching out further than ever before, but it should never be to the point where she is in tears or is experiencing a high degree of pain. If it is, more often than not, something is wrong.

The dark area represents the vaginal opening

The dark area represents the vaginal opening

Many people still believe that sex is supposed to be painful for the woman on her first time because this is when her hymen is being broken. Nope. It’s pretty rare for this to be the case. The hymen is simply a piece of tissue that surrounds the external vaginal opening. That’s right, it’s not inside the vagina. You can actually see it when looking at the vulva. The opening can be of any size or shape and the tissue may be thick or thin. It’s rare for there to be no opening, as most doctors will surgically open up the hymen if a baby is born with an “imperforate” hymen (no opening). And if it’s not caught at that time, a woman’s menstrual blood can’t exit the vagina if she has an imperforate hymen, so the woman would know if she had this without even having to look at her vulva in a mirror. It’s also possible to have a septate hymen, where a piece of the hymen runs right in the middle of the vaginal opening. If thicker, a doctor may be required to surgically remove it (a super simple, relatively painless procedure).

Hymens also get stretched out/broken from things like exercising (horseback riding and gymnastics tends to be activities well known for stretching out hymens), from inserting tampons, and from engaging in sexual activity. If you or your partner does happen to have a hymen that isn’t actually stretching out, then it’s time to see a doctor about it.

So here’s the thing. If the girl has taken her time to experience a range of sexual acts that focus on her vagina/vulva (namely oral and fingering), then by the time she’s ready to have a penis or larger toy inside her, her hymen will have already been quite stretched out to the point where a slightly bigger diameter won’t make much of a difference. So where does the pain come from for the women who do experience pain upon their first time being penetrated?

A common reason is not having had enough experience with penetration with smaller objects. Woman should not try for penetrative sex without first being comfortable with having at least 2-3 fingers inside her. That said, some women always find multiple fingers painful, even if a penis/larger toy isn’t. So if that’s the case, then play around with using a small toy instead of multiple fingers. Also, most women need a decent amount of foreplay before having sex, and this is even more crucial for women who haven’t been penetrated with something other than fingers before. It’s also incredibly important for her to be really wet. It’s always a good idea to use lube to help things along. Lastly, she needs to be totally comfortable. If she’s nervous or not feeling relaxed and ready, she’s going to tense up. This automatically causes her vaginal muscles to contract. This makes sex incredibly painful for her, as her vaginal canal has just decreased in size while you’re trying to fit something bigger in her.  Girls will tense up if they’re anticipating pain, if they’re not mentally or physically ready for penetration, if they’re nervous, or if they’re experiencing shame from being sexual. Do NOT attempt intercourse if this is the case. Instead, take your time to work through the issues together.

Some women just naturally have very tight vaginas. When this is the case, buying small toys/dildos may be necessary so you can gradually work your way up from fingering to toys of different sizes until she’s finally ready for the bigger object you’re wanting to use (whether that’s a penis or a specific toy).  If doing all that doesn’t help, then there may be something more serious going on. Vaginismus is a sexual pain disorder that is more common than people realize. There’s a huge spectrum in the degree to which a women may have vaginismus, ranging from being able to get a finger in without pain, to not even being able to insert the smallest object. Unfortunately, many doctors (including gynaecologists) don’t know how to diagnose vaginismus since it has no physical signs. So women need to find a doctor that specializes in sexual pain (often a urogynecologist) to get a proper diagnosis. There are also conditions like cystitis, endometriosis, infection, and a number of other medical causes of pain upon penetration. You need to see a doctor if you’re experiencing painful sex. In no way should a woman ever feel like she needs to just push through the pain.

No comments

Viagra

December 24, 2012 Maxxters Advice, Current Events/Politics, Uncategorized

Thinking about using Viagra?

By Maxxters

If you’re having erectile dysfunction (ED) to the point where you’re considering Viagra, let me start off by saying that Viagra tends to work best for men who cannot gain an erection for psychological reasons or simply because of older age. For those whose ED is a true medical issue, you may have to look to other methods of gaining an erection (penile injections, the use of pumps, MUSE, surgery, etc). This leaves us with the question of why are so many men treating the symptoms of ED (ie. with Viagra) instead of the root cause? If you’re dead set on using Viagra, then you’re first going to have to go to a competent doctor to make sure you don’t have any contraindications to taking Viagra (ie. it’s safe for you to use). Viagra was initially designed as a heart medication. Quite a few men have died from heart attacks from taking Viagra without having first having a doctor look into their medical history.

Then you need to see what medical conditions you may have that can cause erectile dysfunction. This can include: diabetes mellitus, hemochromatosis, hypercholesterolemia, hypogonadism, kidney disease, liver disease, prolactinoma, sleep apnea, thyroid disease and vascular disease. Alcohol, tobacco and drug use need to be examined as well as bicycle riding. Then you need to rule out the effects from medications or treatments you’re on for other conditions. SSRIs can significantly impair sexual function, as can chemotherapy, radiation and a whole host of other medications (eg. propecia) and treatments.  Lastly, examine any relationship issues (attraction to partner, feeling pressure from partner to maintain erection, fights you’re having, etc) as well as other lifestyle issues such as stress, depression or fatigue.

Now, if you get the Viagra, your doctor should be referring you to a sex therapist  (especially if you’re under 45 or so). This way you won’t always have to rely on the little blue pill every time you want to be confident in getting and keeping an erection. If this is what happens to you, and you are in a partnered relationship, the following is what to expect in therapy.

History
The psychological functioning of both partners will be assessed, including general mental status, recent functioning, overall history and sexual history. It turns out that 50% of the partners of people with sexual dysfunction also have dysfunction themselves. The therapist will want to talk about your relationship history (everything from how you met and issues/significant moments over the course of the relationship). Unresolved power issues in the relationship tend to be focused on as well.

Pain/Medical Conditions
Your therapist will want to know if intercourse/sexual relations are actually desired or not, if it’s physically painful, or if it’s problematic for either partner. They’ll go into your medical history to see if either partner suffers from any medical conditions that would make penetration/sexual activity painful.

Meaning of sexual function/dysfunction
What is the meaning of erections/intercourse to you, to your partner, and in your (the couple’s) relationship? Why do each of you want Viagra and what are your expectations? How much do both partners care about erections? How much do you care about intercourse? What would the meaning of restored erectile functioning be in this relationship?

Communication (sexual and otherwise)
How do the two of you talk about sex? What are each of you thinking about when engaging in sexual play with each other? Are you able to share your thoughts and feelings with one another during, prior to and after ‘sex’? To what degree do you each feel you must “function” in order to please one another and hide thoughts or feelings that might distract from the focus on “completing” the sexual act? To what extent is each partner able to be fully present (cognitively and emotionally) during partnered sexual play? What priority is placed on having a sense of connection (sexually, emotionally, etc)?

Initiation and refusal of sex/affection
Can both partners easily initiate and refuse sexual relations? Can both partners express non-genital physical affection easily?

Passion and Eroticism
What is the experience of eroticism in relationship? Do you both have the ability to touch erotically/sensually? What is the quality of tenderness and emotional connection? Do you both experience sexual passion with each other? Did you in the past?

So before going into your doctor to ask about Viagra, how about you sit down with your partner and very slowly, over the course of many days, go through these lists of questions and try to really figure out what’s going on? You may surprise yourselves and be able to resolve the issue on your own without the guidance of a professional or the need to rely on a little blue pill.

No comments

Resources!

December 10, 2012 Maxxters Uncategorized

There are a number of resources that we have put together in the sex community of reddit. We want to make sure that our readers who aren’t frequenters of /r/sex aren’t missing out on the information.

We will continue to add to this list as more resources are created/found that we believe may be beneficial to our readers. And if you have any recommendations for other resources to add to the list, please email Maxxters at Maxxters@sexpertslounge.com If useful, they will be added to this list or to one of the resources already linked above.

No comments

Men and Sexual Body Image

November 19, 2012 Maxxters Education, Research Review

Research on Men and Sexual Body Image
By Maxxters

When we talk about body image, most people immediately think about women. Body dissatisfaction is so common that many people see it as being “normal” for women to experience. Studies show that about half of North American women are unhappy with their body.  However, when it comes to men, it’s much harder to get accurate numbers of the prevalence. For one thing, the way we evaluate men’s body image is flawed. Many of the questionnaires used in studies were initially designed for women and fail to assess men’s desire to be more muscular, instead just focusing on wanting to be more or less fat. They also don’t assess penis satisfaction, which I believe to be a huge component of male body image. Then there’s the fact that women of all orientations do not significantly differ in their body evaluations. Study after study shows that lesbian women, who have no pressure from male sexual partners to look a certain way, still exhibit very similar body dissatisfaction patterns as straight women. However, men are the total opposite. Gay men have some of the worst body evaluations out there, with some studies showing they suffer from negative body image even more so than women. Straight men show the most positive body evaluations, but still have relatively high numbers of dissatisfaction. Factor in penis size evaluation and the number of dissatisfied men skyrockets.

In trying to understand why men experience issues with body image, most researchers turn to culture and society and the pressures placed on men to fit into certain ideals. For men, the prevalent body ideal is a highly muscular, tall, lean body, characterized by developed pectoral, bicep and shoulder muscles, with the back tapering down to a narrow waist and hips. It’s been found that overall, men are just as likely to want to be heavier as they are wanting to be lighter (whereas women are exceedingly likely to want to be smaller). Men are also under pressure to behave a certain way. Society and its institutions promote the definition of masculinity as physical strength, the repression of emotions, heterosexuality, economic stability and the desire for sexual conquests. Then there’s also the association with penis size and masculinity. As Wiley and Eardley (2006) put it, “In many cultures it has come to symbolize attributes such as largeness, strength, endurance, ability, courage, intelligence, knowledge, dominance over men, possession of women; a symbol of loving and being loved.”

Now, what’s so bad about men having body image issues? Research has linked depression, disordered eating, anxiety, sexual problems, muscle dysmorphia, low self-esteem, compulsive exercise, and use of performance-enhancing substances with negative body image in men. Lever, Frederick and Peplau (2006) conducted an internet survey on the effects of penis size satisfaction in men and women. They linked their online survey to MSNBC.com and Elle.com and obtained a sample size of 52,031 heterosexual men and women. 66% of men felt their penises were average, 22% believed they were “large” and 12% were “small”. Taller men had a significantly larger (self-reported) penis size. Higher body fat was associated with smaller penis size (most probably due to abdominal fat decreasing the accessible length of the penis). While 85% of women were content with the size of their partner’s penis, only 55% of men were satisfied with their size. 45% wanted to be larger and 0.2% wanted to be smaller. Interestingly, those who rated their overall appearance more positively had larger penises. The authors believe that this indicates that penis size is tied to men’s overall body image.

A similar study was conducted in Finland by Algars et al. (2011) with a sample of 9,532 men and women. 68% of the men surveyed were satisfied with their penises, with higher levels of satisfaction correlating with better sexual function and higher frequencies of sexual behaviour. Men who were dissatisfied with their penis size experienced higher levels of premature ejaculation and decreased erectile function. Although most men were satisfied with their penis size, 47% wished they had a larger penis. Sexual body image was again related to overall perception of attractiveness and men with a higher BMI were more likely to be dissatisfied with their penis size. A unique finding was that men with biological children were more likely to be satisfied with their penis. The authors speculate this stems from the concept that conceiving a child is tied to confirmations of masculinity. A study by Peplau et al. (2009) took the research one step further, examining the differences between 57,377 heterosexual and homosexual men and women. 42% of gay men and 22% of heterosexual men felt that their poor body image had negative effects on their sex life. Comparatively, 30% of straight women and 27% of lesbians experienced this; demonstrating that negative sexual effects are correlated with poor body image, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

In examining more than just penis satisfaction, Tiggermann, Martins and Churchett (2008) conducted an online survey, where they received data from 200 heterosexual, 18 year old Australian men. The authors aimed to investigate the multiple aspects of men’s body image, including measures of head hair, body hair, height, penis size, weight, and muscularity. They found that 83% of men wanted to be more muscular, 68% desired a larger penis, and 62% wanted less body hair. Additionally, 50% wanted to be thinner and 48% wished they were taller. Dissatisfaction with body weight, penis size and height were found to be predictors of low appearance self-esteem.

Lastly, research on body image has also focused on the gay community, with the belief that men who have sex with men (MSM) are under more pressure to fit into society’s ideals of attractiveness. Grov, Parsons and Bimbi (2010) surveyed a diverse group of 1,065 MSM to examine the relationship between perceived penis size and psychosocial outcomes. Not surprisingly, they found that satisfaction with their penis was associated with having a bigger penis. Size was unrelated to frequency of sex or condom use, yet men with larger penises were more likely to report HPV and genital herpes. This may have to do with condom coverage on the penis, as there was no significant correlation between penis size and STIs that transfer only through bodily fluids. Men with below average penis size were more prone to negative psychosocial outcomes such as feeling awkward during sex. Additionally, men with larger penises were more likely to be “tops” (anal insertive) and men with smaller penises were more likely to be “bottoms” (anal receptive).

All in all, it’s clear that men are also significantly affected by poor body image and research is showing that it’s on the rise. If this issue isn’t talked about and actually addressed, it’s possible that the prevalence of negative body image in straight men will be just as high as those experienced in women and the gay male community. If you or your partner are experiencing insecurity over the way you look, then it’s time to deal with it head on. Figure out why exactly it is that you can’t accept the way you look, even if just for the time being. Hating yourself isn’t going to make things better or easier, it actually tends to make everything so much worse. Try to give yourself the loving, compassion, and caring that you deserve and try to work through what exactly it is that you now have to do in order to be confident in yourself and how you look.

If you would like more resources on dealing with physical insecurities, you may want to read through the /r/sex FAQs on the topic.

6 comments

Keeping things Sexually Exciting

November 6, 2012 Maxxters Advice, How To

Keeping things Sexually Exciting

By Maxxters

It’s all too common for people who have been together for awhile to start getting a bit bored with their sex lives. As discussed in the articles about sexual desire, the less enjoyable “sex” is, the less likely you’re going to really want to have it. So you don’t need to have constant sex. But you really do need to find ways of having the sex you WANT as often as you desire. Once someone learns how to “work” their partner’s body, it’s quite common for that to become all that they do. This makes them miss out on so much other stuff. Try exploring the entire body and keep switching things up. The last thing you want your partner saying is “they know how to play my body like a violin…. and I HATE it”. The fastest way to kill sexual desire is to do what “works” again, and again, and again. It’s key to be someone (and be with someone)who wants to continue (sexually) exploring after already finding something that works.

Think of how kids play- they change the rules/roles to keep it interesting and when they stop liking it, they say “I don’t want to play this anymore”. Plus, their only goal is to have fun! Talk to your partner about how you can return to that type of a mindset as well as having that open, honest communication. Another great thing to discuss is what you both need to do so that the sex you’re currently having is something you’d be really happy with having 50 years from now.

Try not to focus on the negatives and what you aren’t having or doing. When was the last time you sat down with your partner and really talked in depth about what it is that you love doing with them? Get each other to finish the sentence “I really like it when you….”. The more detailed the better! Then make an effort to do those acts with/to one another more often.

We always stress communication here. It’s by far the best way to have and maintain a fantastic sex life. Once in awhile, when partnered sexual play is done, have a conversation about what you liked/what worked and what you didn’t like/didn’t work. This can solidify the memory of the experience for both of you and really help make the next time even better.

If you’re looking for some specific tips on things to try, check out the FAQ that reddit’s /r/sex has on this specific topic as well as reading through the following little tips/tricks:
-go to the dollar store together and buy some “pervertables”. These are items that you can use sexually on one another. This is more for tactile play than anything else (don’t use anything for penetration unless it’s specifically designed for it!). Things like beads, feather dusters, massagers, different fabrics, etc. can be a lot of fun when blindfolding a partner and trying to give them pleasure using different types of sensations against their skin. With (smooth!) beads in particular, you can gently swing them onto the vulva/clit or slide them through (as shown here). They can be wrapped around your hand and then used to stroke the penis with. Try the same techniques on other body parts as well.

-watch porn together. Use it either just to help with turning one another on, or you can mimic what they’re doing in the video. Remember- there are so many genres of porn. It’s important to find a style the both of you can enjoy. If you or your partner isn’t comfortable with that, try audio porn. “The erotic edge” by Lonnie Barbach is a well known series of short-story erotica on tape. You can also use this as a way to determine what things turn each other on and what doesn’t (since the stories are about different sexual acts/fantasies). A place you can find ‘amateur’ audio porn is in reddit’s /r/gonewildaudio. Another option is to read erotic stories out loud to one another.

-spend all day trying to get each other as horny as absolutely possible. If you have physical access to one another, flash your partner some body part you know they find sexy when you walk by. Brush your hand lightly against their neck, back, forearm, collarbone, hip, or whatever spot you know drives them wild, but don’t let it go any further than that. If you’re out, send erotic texts/emails to one another. Call each other for a quick conversation about what you want to do to them and what you want them to do to you. Leave notes in random places for them to find throughout the day (about how hot they are, the things you want to do with them, a memory of a past sexual experience you had with them, or even just romantic things that you know will make them smile). Text/email each other some pictures (as innocent or naughty as you’re comfortable with). Then by the time you get home from school/work/see each other (or if you were together all day, have a pre-set time), you’re both rearing to go and can unleash yourselves on one another.

-Dress each other up. Find the clothes that you think are sexiest on your partner and have them do the same for you. Head to toe, everything. If this is appropriate for public, go out together (a romantic dinner would be a good place to start). If it’s not appropriate then do a non-sexual but intimate/romantic thing together at home (home-cooked meal anyone?). Talk about your relationship and what you love about it. Absolutely no talk about negative points. Save that for another conversation. Just focus on the good stuff. Alternatively, you can go to a sex club, strip club, or any other venue that’s a bit more sexual and you can start your seduction there. Then once that activity is over, it’s your choice whether you progress slowly to physically intimate play or if you then proceed to rip one another’s sexy-clothes off and ravage one another.

- set aside time to just be intimate with one another. Cuddle, hold hands, give each other massages, do breathing exercises and eye gazing together, take a bath together, or just hold one another in a way that shows how much you care for each other. Study after study shows that intimacy is one of the strongest predictors of sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships. So put in time for non-sexual intimacy and you will likely see your sexual intimacy get better and better over time.

- Have an affair with your partner. Plan a whole evening where you go out and pretend like you’re having an affair with one another. Meet in a restaurant or club or any other place that you wouldn’t normally go with your partner and seduce each other. Stay in character the whole time and see how long you can last before making a dash for a hotel room or staying in character while inviting the other back to your place where you won’t ‘get caught’.

- if you’re not in a deadbedroom situation in your relationship, then practice abstinence. Make a deal that you cannot participate in sexual activity for X amount of time. You get to decide what, if any, sexual acts are allowed and what aren’t. Then your goal is to make it through those number of days before you’re allowed to go all out with one another. Try to make that a planned event, where you get a hotel room or do something else to make it a bit more special than your usual romps in the sack.

- stop having “sex” in the same place all the time. For example, if your go-to is always the bed/bedroom, then don’t let yourself engage in sexual play there for at least a few days. Force yourselves to be sexual in all the other rooms/furniture you have access to or even be a bit more risqué and be sexual in public (making sure not to make anyone around you uncomfortable… don’t get caught unless it’s a place designated for ‘public’ sex). If interested in this, read through our article on public sex.

-fool around with one another. During times when you know things won’t escalate beyond general making out, do it! Get back to the times when you were younger/at the start of your relationship where it was a thrill to just make out and not have that lead to anything else. Whether it’s giving your partner a random kiss when they’re working away at something, or full-body groping as you kiss each other with wild abandon, go for it! But stop sexual play with that act. Get used to being sexual with one another in different contexts. This helps build the trust that being intimate with one another doesn’t always have to lead to things like genital stimulation (manual or oral) or penetrative sex.

No comments
« Older Entries