I would hazard to guess that I’m in the minority here, but I still feel the need to write this down in hopes that other people will at least try to see my point of view. I simply cannot stand how society as a whole views sex/sexuality. Here are some topics I’ve come across recently that have made me fume:
Pressures placed on Men
As tough as it can be to be a woman at times, I’m so glad I don’t have the pressures on me that most men experience. Penis size is such an issue in our society, with non-stop messages in the media making it sound like bigger is always better. We shame men for not having foot-long schlongs and make really hurtful comments and jokes about small penises. And then there’s the issue that men have to be able to get hard on command. What an insult if they aren’t hard the second the pants come off! Society also tends to play up the need to last long during sex. Heaven forbid that a man ejaculates before the hour is up. But oh my god, if he doesn’t orgasm at all? Then that’s even worse! Plus, he has to know exactly how to pleasure his partner without any communication/help from his partner and he has to provide them with orgasm after orgasm (because that’s the man’s job, not the person he’s pleasing, right?). All this is beyond ridiculous to me. I don’t understand why society doesn’t promote communication above all of this nonsense.
It terrifies me to see just how prevalent this remains. You would think that in this day and age we would have moved way past the shaming of women who wear certain types of clothes, have a lot of sex, or enjoy talking about sex. And what scares me even more is to see that women themselves may even be the most to blame for this. Many women can be absolutely scathing when it comes to judging and talking about other women. With women who are attracted to men, many can be incredibly competitive with one another, especially when it comes to gaining the attention of men. One of the most common tactics is to insult the woman they’re threatened by (whether it’s about how she’s dressed, the way she acts, etc) and make her seem less desirable. When a woman is feeling insecure and is upset that another woman looks better than her, it’s amazing how common it is for her to use the other woman’s sexuality as a weapon against her. This seriously needs to stop.
That’s not to say men are innocent here though. The things they say can be shocking as well, especially when it comes to actually having sex with someone they’ve labelled a “slut”. What does that make these men? How can women engage in an act with a man and the man ends up referring to her as a slut? Where was he in all of this? It’s time to realize that we’re all sexual beings in one way or another and we have the right to choose how to conduct ourselves. Whether or not it’s the way you personally choose to behave doesn’t matter. Why not just accept that everyone is different and stop being so threatened by that?
The Beauty Ideal
For women it’s the beautiful face, round and perky breasts, a tiny waist with a flat stomach, hips that are perfectly curved, a firm, round ass, thighs that don’t touch, and a hairless, pink vulva with barely any inner labia. For men it’s a sexy face, broad, sculpted shoulders, perfectly carved pecs and abs, a v-shaped back, a solid, firm bum, muscular legs, and a thick, long penis. And that’s all that could possibly be attractive, right? It terrifies me to know just how many people actually believe that. They truly feel that because they don’t look this way, it means that there’s no way anyone will ever really want to be sexual with them, let alone have a meaningful relationship with them. Body insecurities and issues with self-confidence and self-esteem are on the rise in all genders. It’s so important to know that everyone is attracted to different things and in no way should you feel bad about yourself because you don’t fit a certain (unrealistic) standard of beauty. Stop relying on others to determine your self-worth and also realize that you’re more than just a body. If you want more help with this, you may want to read through this resource.
It’s totally fine for you to not be interested in watching porn. But it’s completely unfair for you to forbid your partner from watching it. Yes, if they’re choosing porn over being sexual with you, then there’s an issue that you both need to work through together. But to think that porn is cheating? Sorry, but in no way will I ever buy that. People of all genders and orientations use porn… this is not something that only men enjoy. It allows you to become and remain aroused, reach orgasm much easier and faster and even experience stronger orgasms when you masturbate. It can introduce you to new things you would like to try, and as long as you know the differences between porn and reality, then you’re fine. It is also important to note that many people watch types of porn that they would never actually want to try in real life. It’s the voyeuristic aspect of watching something that’s different from what they experience in reality that turns most people on. It’s not necessarily them wishing they were the ones who were in the porn and wanting it to be their own reality.
If you’re threatened by porn, it quite often means that there is something that you yourself are insecure about. It’s important to work on that instead of looking at porn as the actual problem. It’s also amazing just how many people are anti-porn but have never actually viewed it themselves. In no way can you judge something like this without ever actually watching it. There’s a huge diversity when it comes to porn, with so many different types/genres. “Porn” can be so many different things. It’s not fair to judge it based one type or with your own ideas of what it is without actually having watched it.
The use of sex toys and anal play
While it’s very slowly starting to become more socially acceptable, it’s amazing how taboo it still is for men, especially straight men, to use sex toys (tenga products, fleshlights and other masturbation sleeves, cobra libres, anal toys, etc). There’s still this belief that men are very easy to please sexually and therefore shouldn’t have to use toys when they masturbate (or even engage in partnered sexual play). And since these toys are much more accepted in the gay community, many straight men who use them are made fun of and even their female sexual partners question their sexual orientation. There’s a huge double-standard in that it’s considered to be totally normal for women to own at least one vibrator, yet there is something wrong with a man who also chooses to use sex toys.
This doesn’t just refer to the use of anal toys. This goes for strictly penile-play as well. But on that topic, it’s shocking how many people believe that if a male enjoys receiving anal stimulation then he must be gay, or at least bi. Many straight men have huge amounts of anxiety about it and/or many of their female partners become concerned about whether or not these men are actually straight. It’s preposterous! Here’s the thing: men have prostates. It turns out that it feels really really good for these prostates to be stimulated and it just so happens that the best way to stimulate a prostate is to go in through the ass. Period. This is purely a matter of anatomy, nothing else. How on earth can a man using his own hands on his body or a woman stimulating a man be a gay act? Gay acts tend to be done when a member of one gender is sexual with a member of the same gender. So if you see two men having anal sex, then yes, there’s a good chance they aren’t totally straight. But if you see a straight man playing with his own ass or his female partner doing it, no, this does not make him gay. You may also want to keep in mind that many gay couples don’t engage in any anal play whatsoever. Pretty sure you never thought that means they must be straight. This goes both ways.
Lastly, many people are threatened by sex toys. As we saw in this article, people have worries about the toy being better than them and their partner just wanting to use the toy instead. The vast majority of people like having sex with other people. Sure, there are some minor exceptions, but most people are not going to choose an inanimate object over their sexual partner. Going out and buying a new toy is not going to transform your partner into someone who doesn’t want to be intimate with you anymore. For most, we like how people feel (being touched by them and getting to touch them), we like interacting with people, we like different types of stimulation and sexual acts, we like cuddling, we like giving our partners pleasure, etc. A toy cannot do this. If you are threatened by your partner’s use of sex toys, take a step back and try to examine why that is. What are you insecure or concerned about here? What are you worried about happening? How realistic is that? And as we always say; talk to your partner about your concerns. But in no way are you free to prohibit them from using toys.
I understand that not everyone is comfortable with these venues or even think they should exist. I’m all for the strip clubs that are higher end, where the strippers actually want to be working there and are treated with respect. But what I don’t understand are couples who get mad when one partner wants to go with their friends to the club. In no way does it mean they aren’t happy with you as your sexual partner. In no way does it mean they’re not attracted to you. In no way does it mean they intend to try to go out and fuck a stripper. It’s simply them having fun with friends, going for some adult entertainment. Please note: I am not talking about actually interacting with the strippers. This situation is purely about paying the cover charge and paying for any drinks you have and that is it.
If you’re the type to get incredibly jealous or get in big fights with your partner(s) if they want to do things like go to a strip club in the above scenario, then take the time to examine why you’re feeling this way. Whether it’s you being unhappy with the way you look, you feeling like your partner must not really want you, or whatever other issue you’re worried about, then try to deal directly with that. Use these opportunities to learn more about yourself and explore what exactly it is that you’re afraid of happening. Talk it through with your partner and while I’m not saying this needs to end with them actually going to the club, try to understand the issue from one another’s perspectives and see if any compromises can be reached. It’s a great opportunity to work on conflict resolution with your partner!
Lastly, it never ceases to amaze me how women typically behave in strip clubs with male performers. The non-stop screaming, the comments yelled out, and the way they physically interact with the strippers…. if men behaved that way with female strippers, they would get thrown out of the club! There’s the idea out there that women are constantly being sexually objectified and that men don’t have to endure being treated like that. Yes, I understand that male strippers are in a different situation, where they’re in a role where they are viewed as sex-objects, but that doesn’t mean you can treat them in a way you wouldn’t dream of treating a female stripper.
Misconceptions around the female sexual response
There are so many misunderstandings around women and how they work. Things like where the hymen is located and how it “breaks” and that sex is supposed to be painful during a woman’s first time. Sorry, but that’s bullshit. It can not only not be painful at all, but it can be incredibly pleasurable. If you’re looking for more information, this is a great resource. Another misconception is how many believe that the ultimate orgasm for women is squirting. Yes, many women orgasm at the same time that they squirt. But many don’t. Many can’t even tell they’re squirting until they look down and see it. There’s nothing wrong with you or your partner if that’s the way you experience female ejaculation. Many women are also made to feel completely dysfunctional because they can’t reach orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. The majority of women need some form of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. There is nothing wrong with a woman who can orgasm from things like masturbation, fingering, and/or oral, but not penetrative sex. And most need a solid amount of time to reach orgasm with a partner.
Another thing that’s rarely discussed is how common it is for younger women to experience absolutely no sexual pleasure, especially when engaging in vaginal intercourse. It’s so important to remember just how much the sexual response changes as you get older. Most women find they go through a huge change in just how sensitive they are to stimulation by their 30s or so. If you’re struggling with finding partnered sexual play enjoyable, work with your partner to figure out what does feel really good. A great resource for this can be found here.
Moral of the Story
Other than needing a little rant, I guess I just wanted to write this down as a reminder to all of us to keep challenging our beliefs/ideas that we have around sex and sexuality. When we’re worried about something, take that step back and re-assess the situation and let it be a chance to learn more about yourself and why you react the way you do. Openly talk about your concerns with your partner in a non-aggressive way that doesn’t attack them or put the blame on them. Treat everyone with respect but also stand up for yourself and your beliefs. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for the fact that you are a sexual being.