Ask Mistress Maxxters: Not Enough Sex

Maxxters

Dear Mistress Maxxters, 

I am in need of some help with my girlfriend. We’ve been a couple for a year and a half now. When we first got together we had sex all the time. Now I’d be lucky to get it once a month or so. My sex drive is pretty high so this is really getting to me. What can I do to start having sex more frequently with her again? Oh, and we’re both only 23, so it’s not like we’re just older people who don’t need as much sex anymore.

-Require A Libido, Please Help!

Ralph,

Sorry to hear about your situation. It’s something that many couples go through. You should note that “older people” can still have very active and healthy sex lives fueled by desire. There are a lot of factors involved when it comes to libido, especially as we age.

To address your question directly, have you talked to her about this? It is very important to sit down with her discuss how you’ve been feeling.

 Ideally, you could do this in a non-sexual situation. Let her know what you need and ask her how she feels about your sex life. There might be something in her life that’s causing her to want sex less often than she used to.

Check out this article on reasons for a low libido, and see if any of those conditions apply. If you can figure out what is causing the loss of desire, usually you can figure out some steps to take that will be satisfactory to both of you. You should come up with a plan to deal with the issue that you can both stick to. Don’t just leave the conversation at “okay, we’ll just have more sex.” Such a solution will last only a week or two, and you’ll be right back where you are now. Stick to a plan and work towards its goals.

One option is to put “sex nights” on your calendar. Some people might complain that this makes sex less spontaneous, but it works extremely well for many couples. You can also put “date nights” on the calendar, if you and your SO aren’t in a place where you want to have guaranteed sex nights right off the bat. Studies show that in relationships where the partners take time to be intimate and affectionate with one another, desire and frequency of sex is higher.

You could also set up a “sex box” that contains pieces of paper with different activities that you’ve both agreed to do. These instructions can be extremely varied. They could be anywhere from romantic to raunchy. Some romantic ideas include a full-body massage or bubble bath together, or going for a moonlit walk while holding hands. On the more adult end of things, you could include sexual acts like oral sex, bondage, food play, vaginal sex, dressing up / role play, or any other activities you both enjoy. Simply pick a card out of the box on a mutually agreeable schedule, and do it.

One other suggestion would be to go to a sex store together and shop for a few new fun things to play with together.

The last important thing to mention is that you need to be sure you’re putting as much into meeting her emotional needs as you expect her to put into meeting your physical needs. Share the workload if you live together. Make sure you have intimate moments that don’t turn into sex (back rubs, cuddling, kissing her, random touching, etc). Make it about the intimacy, the closeness you share with the other person in your relationship, not about the sex. 

After trying all this, if you still find that affection and sexual desire are missing from your relationship, you should consider the possibility that your relationship with your significant other would be better if you considered yourselves friends and roommates rather than sexual partners and lovers.

Maxxters is a female in her late 20s and a former high school teacher. She taught Science and Sex Ed to 12-18 year olds. She’s currently working on her Master’s degree in Human Sexuality. She is also an aerobics instructor and personal trainer, working with those who suffer from eating disorders and body image issues. Send her your questions at: