Ask Mistress Maxxters: Not Getting Mine
“I’ve been with a good guy for a year. I was his first, he was my fifth. Here’s our problem. When I’m about to orgasm, I make noises and tense up, and my lady bits contract, sending him into sensory overload. He always comes first. I would be up for some manual stimulation after he’s done, except that my clit is usually too swollen by then to take direct manual stimulation. When I bring it up, it causes problems; he thinks I’m being selfish and says I’m putting too much pressure on him. We’ve tried numbing spray and different condoms, nothing works. The spray makes it so that he can’t orgasm, and I don’t want that either. I don’t want sex as much as he does because I just end up having to fuck myself later. I feel like we might as well skip the sex (and the frustration) altogether and just masturbate together.”
-Empty Like I Can’t Endure
There are a lot of things going on here. I’m surprised to read that you would rather mutually masturbate than have sex simply because you don’t reach orgasm with him. It seems like you’re fixated on orgasm and that it might help for both of you to stop making orgasm the goal of sex. Focus on the pleasure you are feeling instead. Sex sessions can be amazingly pleasurable, and “worth it”, even without orgasm.
There is no reason you can’t continue cuddling and making out until your clit is less sensitive and he’s able to get an erection for another round. Most guys last longer on their second round too. If you really want continuous penetrative stimulation, the two of you should go and buy a toy together. After he comes, he can use the toy on you and perhaps join back in with his penis if and when he gets another erection. Sex doesn’t have to end when he cums.
I have to ask: have you sat down together in a non-sexual situation and talked about it? It’s important to have an open and honest discussion, without blame language, when the two of you aren’t having sex. Here are some tips for constructive conversations on touchy sexual subjects you might find helpful.
You’re unhappy with the desensitizing spray because he isn’t able to orgasm when he uses it. I would suggest taking turns. One day, you get to orgasm because he used the spray, the next, he gets to orgasm because he hasn’t. Just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he has to orgasm every time. A sexual relationship is a partnership, which means the two of you need to provide equal pleasure opportunities to one another.
I would also suggest having sex sessions where he ejaculates once before penetration even starts. He can masturbate beforehand, or you can get him off with your hands or your mouth. While the two of you wait for him to be ready for round two, he can use his hands, his mouth, or toys on you. Very likely, He’ll last longer during penetration if he orgasms before it starts.
It doesn’t sound like he suffers from premature ejaculation (PE), at least in a clinical sense, but he should start doing kegel exercises daily to help build up his PC muscles. Such exercises can give him a little more control over his ejaculation. It’s worth looking into the techniques listed here to help him last longer. The Masters & Johnson method in particular may be helpful.
Issues with a partner’s sexual performance are difficult. They take a lot of patience and understanding to overcome. It sounds like the two of you are at a place where you’re both feeling hurt and frustrated. Pull it back to a place where you’re comfortable discussing this with each other, and try to avoid sounding like you’re criticizing his sexual performance. Difficulties like these present an opportunity to grow closer together and work together towards a solution – a sexually satisfying solution – for both of you.
Maxxters is a female in her late 20s and a former high school teacher. She taught Science and Sex Ed to 12-18 year olds. She’s currently working on her Master’s degree in Human Sexuality. She is also an aerobics instructor and personal trainer, working with those who suffer from eating disorders and body image issues. Send her your questions at: