Sex Always on My Mind
By Maxxters
The other day, my father and I had a discussion about our interests and what we spend most of our time doing or thinking about. We were on holiday together and he expressed concern about the amount of time I spend on my computer during my free time. He knows I spend a lot of time on reddit’s r/sex and writing articles for this this website, as well as reading any sexuality-related information I can find.
He doesn’t have a problem with my interest in sex, and he’s proud of me for seeking a graduate degree in the field, but he is concerned that my uninterrupted interest in sexuality might be an “unhealthy obsession”. I do have other interests, and I often do things that aren’t related to sex, but the topic does dominate my mind – it’s the thing I’m most interested in and passionate about.
While we chatted, I tried likening it to his interest in world news. He’s always reading one newspaper or another, watching the news, reading magazines, or listening to radio programs about world issues. This did not alleviate his concerns. He still had the lingering feeling that such a huge interest in SEX couldn’t be healthy. I personally don’t see the difference, but I suspect my dad is with the majority on this question.
Most people would probably agree that my non-stop interest in all things sexual is weird, gross, unhealthy or negative in some other way – and it isn’t too hard to guess some of the reasons why that would be the case. The most apparent is religious influence – in general, religion tries to teaches us to be ashamed or afraid of our sexuality, to deny our bodies’ urges, and to keep our minds off of sex.
Many of our first lessons about sex are negative. Every five year old knows to avoid adults with dirty minds – we’ve all gotten the “stranger danger” discussion at some point. Young people are taught ridiculous words like “pee-pee” or “winkle” for penis or “hoo-ha” or “woo-woo” for vagina. Words that deny that children even have the same sexual anatomy as adults. Toddlers engaging in perfectly normal exploration of their genitals may be punished or shamed.
As we start to get older, we’re told in no uncertain terms that sex is something that is private and that shouldn’t be discussed publicly. By the time we start to learn about sex in school (for those of us lucky enough to have sex-ed classes), the topic is uncomfortable to talk about and any discussion about sex or sexuality makes most people feel awkward and nervous – with terrible results. Because we’re not comfortable talking about sex, we are likely to conform to our peers’ gender-stereotypical views or expectations, and accept things like homophobia rather than challenge it.
Outrage erupts when people learn that kids as young as 8 or 9 are being sexual with one another. We try to preserve the “innocence” of children, ignoring that they’re sexual beings. Our bodies are ready for sex as soon as we reach puberty. A few hundred years ago, 13 or 14 was exactly the right age to get married and start raising kids. Now almost everyone agrees that would be disgusting and wrong.
Because I’m a graduate student studying sexuality, I know that human beings are sexual even in the womb, but I still have a hard time being accepting when I hear about young teens being sexual. Partially, that’s because I think they would greatly benefit from a level of education and maturity they’re unlikely to possess at such tender ages, but honestly, partially it’s because I was raised in a modern society. I do think we should do everything we can to make sure that kids are educated about sexuality so that when they do feel they’re ready to be physically intimate with another person they have the tools they need, whether they’re 10 or 20 at the time.
“Slut-Shaming” is very prevalent in modern society, and women displaying even an average interest in sex are likely to be judged for the way they dress, for the behaviors in which they engage, and even for the words that come out of their mouths. So I wonder if my dad would be as concerned about my preoccupation with sex if I were a man.
It’s not considered “normal” when women are interested in sex. Almost everyone has heard the myth that men think about it every 7 seconds. A recent study, however, showed that men think about sex an average of 19 times a day, while women think about sex an average of 10 times a day.
Of course, it is possible for a person to have an unhealthy obsession with sex, but having an interest in sex and sexuality isn’t inherently unhealthy. When an individual is unhappy about how much time they’re spending thinking about sex, or upset with themselves for the behaviors they’re engaging in, that may signal a problem.
When a person’s sexuality negatively impacts other areas of their life – if they’re canceling plans or failing to meet their responsibilities because they’re more interested in watching porn or finding someone to fuck – that’s likely a sign that their interest in sex has become a problem. When a person’s sexuality starts to negatively affect their finances or job stability, or their relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners, those are clear signals that they should take a step back and re-examine their priorities.
I’m really glad I had a chance to talk to my dad about it. He wants the best for me, so it’s easy for him to worry about me. I explained that I have other interests (especially related to health and fitness), and I spend enough time being social in non-sexual ways to be a satisfied and happy person. I’m proud of being so open about sexuality, and it has become an important part of my identity. People are comfortable opening up to me about their most personal issues, and I find that my relationships with romantic partners are better because of my knowledge and interest in sex. I feel confident in my abilities and have a strong desire to learn more and more. Without my interest in sex, I think my life would be more boring and depressing. My sexuality is part of me – without it, I wouldn’t be the same person and my life would look completely different.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.